My whole entire life I have felt very different than mostly anyone I’ve ever met. And when I say my entire life, I really do mean that. It’s something I picked up on very early. From the title, as you may have suspected, I am a neurodivergent. I didn’t always know this, not even a little. In fact, I have gone through pretty much my whole life not knowing WTF was wrong with me, and feeling like nobody in this world understood me. The worse part, though, has always been feeling like I’m the problem, just because everyone else deemed me so – because they didn’t (don’t) understand me. In reality, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me – I’m just different.

When I was in elementary school, there was no such thing as ADD/ADHD in girls, let alone the term Neurodivergent with everything it means today. So, when I tried to tell people I had a hard time focusing on just one thing, or tried to explain all of the different things going on (in my head) – nobody ever believed me. How could I possibly be struggling with anything, when they couldn’t SEE anything wrong with me. I was a liar. I was manipulative, I was trying to get out of school work, I was a brat, I was lazy and awful, “but oh, so so smart if I just applied myself”.  So I was labeled “weird” or “crazy”, and I never understood why.

Fidgeting

If I felt the need to fidget, I was immediately corrected and told to act like a lady. If you can’t imagine how awful this is – imagine someone standing behind you and correcting you or telling you you’re wrong every 2 minutes, even though you’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just not the way they want it done… Being corrected my whole life is and has been very draining, has a huge impact on self esteem, and it causes a lot of insecurity so I am constantly questioning myself.

As an adult, I still fidget (or STIM) all of the time. And you know what? It still makes people uncomfortable. It can be something extremely small that I’m doing, too. When I twirl my hair, people ask if I’m nervous. If I tell them no, then they tell me I’m making them nervous or uncomfortable and ask me to stop. Or I am interrogated about what’s wrong, when nothing is, and I have to tell them that THEY’RE the ones now making me uncomfortable. Then I’m rude. I really don’t understand why it ever had to be an issue in the first place… 

Emotional Dysregulation

Neurodivergents also struggle with emotions. I, personally, struggle with emotions in a lot of big ways. When I experience an emotion, whether good or bad, it is extreme (but sometimes?). It’s high level and seemingly dramatic – if you’re witnessing it first hand. This has been a challenge for me, again, throughout my entire life. Most people don’t understand my big emotions, and if they’re around when it happens, most also don’t (or won’t) even want to be around me. Most people might walk away, or others will tell me to get over it, to stop crying, I have even been yelled at on several occasions for literally not being able to control these emotions. Which – for me, makes it 10x worse. Then I’m embarrassed, feel like a burden, and ultimately end up panicking even more. The REJECTION! On the opposite end of that, if I’m really excited about something, and again judged or shot down by family/friends/peers, it makes me feel bad for being happy. Which, is also not okay, on any level.  If I know I am about to have a big emotion, I will sometimes walk away so I don’t make others uncomfortable, or I will breathe through it and let it out later. Would you guess that people don’t like this either? If I have to walk away, I’m rude, but if I show my big emotion, they’re uncomfortable, and if I put it away to save it for later, I’m not opening up enough, or I’m fake! It is such an awful cycle.

It’s constantly feeling punished for having legitimate feelings. This cycle continues throughout life, with different stages but all the same message.  Imagine this scenario:

Teacher: “Pay Attention!” 

10yo Me: “Ok”

10yo Me: (Twirls hair or draws heart doodles while actively paying attention)

Teacher: “Pay Attention!!” 

10yo Me: Tries explaining that I really am to teacher

Teacher: “You’re Lying, you just need to pay attention.” Teacher Sits you in front of class

10yo Me: (Literally unable to regulate my emotions) Starts crying (I didn’t do anything wrong, got yelled at, moved and embarrassed in front of the whole class)

Teacher: “Go sit out in the hall until you stop crying – you’re disrupting class!”

10yo Me: (Now I really can’t stop crying, communication is not an option at this point and I’m punished for absolutely nothing) “I can’t help it, I can’t stop crying!”

Teacher/Parents later that evening: “What do you mean you can’t help it? Manipulator! You can’t just cry to try and get what you want, now sit down, sit still, pay attention, and DO WHAT YOU’RE TOLD!” 

Neurodivergent Communication

There’s not a lot of people I can be my 100% true self around. And before anyone starts bashing me for being fake – hear me out. I have LITERALLY been called a liar, or manipulative, rude, and better yet, secretive, my whole entire life. That’s also because I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. (Another anomaly that truly escapes my mind that others don’t!) Other times, I honestly don’t know how to say what I’m thinking in a way that will bring everything together.

With that being said, I REALLY STRUGGLE with communication. For the longest time, I really thought this issue stemmed from said previous topics, and anxiety from the trauma. (It does make it worse, but not the cause) You know what brings all of these topics together? My neurodivergent brain… 

My brain takes things in, or absorbs them at super speed, and processes them. But not everything is always immediately related or ever. It quite literally takes me a minute (or lots) to figure out how to put that, or everything I just absorbed, into words or whatever communication form I can use. If I’m on the spot, it usually doesn’t go so well. This key piece of my struggles is what makes my life so much more difficult. I choose to write, because it is the best way I know how to organize, process, and communicate my thoughts. 

Now What?

Now that I am learning more and more about myself, it is making it easier for me to recognize certain things so I don’t feel so lost. BUT, at the same time I’m really upset about a lot of things. I’m upset with our system. There is no reason in hell that I (or anyone else) needed to grow up feeling like a fucking alien because I was “supposed to ACT, FEEL & THINK” a certain way that society deemed “correct”. I’m upset that I have felt crazy at times, because people are uncomfortable with my joy and what makes me comfortable. I’m really just trying to be myself and exist… But mostly I’m upset with how we treat others. This is something I will always feel so strongly about. Can’t we ALL be a lot more kind, and caring, and not so quick to judge people?

This post just barely scratches the surface of the daily struggles, but it has been weighing on me and I finally got the courage to put it out there. I’ve recently learned that I’m higher on the spectrum than I ever thought, but honestly it tracks. In a lot of ways it’s comforting – finally feeling like there is an explanation for all of these struggles. It’s also equally frustrating, and kind of depressing. It’s very bittersweet. I’m still learning about myself, and about most of this in general. We’ll see where it takes me!

Let’s keep the conversation going. What are your thoughts or every day struggles? Do you know anyone who struggles with anything similar?